Week 14
Hi friends,
I write to you on Sunday night at 11pm sitting quietly on S’s couch wrapped in a blanket with his cat curled on the headrest next to me, full of food he cooked, from steamed fish to noodles to a shabu shabu style soup. I have not felt so relaxed and calm and at rest in weeks—Chlorine is finally out, the two big launch events in Pittsburgh and NYC are finally over, and the nervous anticipation colliding with the workload has finally culminated. We made it after three years of living with the bloody mermaid! The work is complete! We’re done!
I mean—no. We’re not done. There’s still a ton of other events for Chlorine, both in-person and virtual until May, and some more publicity stuff emails I should send. More bookstores to visit and tweets to post, and then there’s the UK release in the summer. And hopefully Chlorine gets a long life, you know? One that allows for it to have many lives in different forms, whether that be in adaptations or in readers’ hearts. So no, I’m not done.
But it’s like all the chunks I spewed into my toilet at 4am after the Greenlight book launch in Brooklyn this week included all the stress and anxiety of the past months. I have never, not even during my twelve years as a competitive swimmer, thrown up from adrenaline or anxiety or a mix of the two. But when I got home after the book launch I laid on the couch unable to close my eyes, until my stomach twisted and I hurtled to the bathroom to vomit chunks of afterparty pizza and whatever else was in my gut—not that I remember everything I had eaten, as I had disassociated & masked through most of the launch and all of the afterparty. Then I vomited again.
I vomited twice! I still can’t believe it!
But I felt way better afterwards. I fell asleep and woke up and said goodbye to my mother, who was driving back to Pittsburgh that morning. I unpacked the many bouquets my friends had brought for me to the launch and texted friends back with endless heart emojis and thank yous. I cleaned my apartment and then left to meet up with S, C, and J—S and C who had come into the city just for the launch, bringing a knitted mermaid tail for me as a present, which is the best present I’ve ever gotten (S has a knack for giving presents—truly their love language.) We watched Teyana Taylor’s new film at Angelika—it was so good and so New York.
And then it was Friday and I met with S, C, and J again, and we sat in Columbus Park in Chinatown to chat, and then visited everyone’s favorite bookstore Yu & Me, and then walked around Soho, and then we said goodbye to S and C as they caught their train back to Philly. J and I then saw Joyland at Film Forum, which is a stunning devastating Pakistani film that you should also go see, and then I cheered on my friend R at her comedy show—her set so fucking good that A and I were doubled up belly laughing! A and I got Chinese food afterwards too, and sat in the restaurant over fish stew talking about books and life and writing until the waitress politely asked us to leave because it was late and the restaurant was closing. And then I went back to sleep and then I woke up and it was a sunny Saturday and I met P, S, M, and D for seafood at our bucket list place Astoria Seafood; I love them so much they feel like family to me, and we sat there over fish and mussels and scallops and sake and talked and talked and talked, and then I met S to go to our dear friend A’s place for a home-cooked dinner and a sweaty loud karaoke session, and I was so tired by 11:30pm that I just laid on A’s bed until C, D, and S found me and sat there with me in the party break room chatting, which is my favorite occurrence during a loud party—those quiet corners you find 1-1 or with a small group to have an intimate style of silly conversation blessed by debauchery. And then it became Sunday and I stayed mostly at S’s other than a quick walk to McNally to sign books and buy books, at S’s where I eat his food and watch some TV and read books and nap on his couch and—wow—things feel really good. Really fucking good. Friends—I haven’t felt like this in weeks. Months. IT’S OVER! CHLORINE! IS! PUBLISHED!
I might have disassociated through the actual afterparty, but I guess this whole weekend has felt like the real party. Mostly cause I’m just hanging out with people I love, doing things I love, eating things I love, and I wish this sort of vitality & delight could last all the time.
Anyway, just to be clear, the book launch at Greenlight, despite my frayed nerves and dissociation and vomiting afterwards, was beautiful. I’ll write more about it soon (probably on an Instagram post, lol) after I can process better, but I’m thankful to my loved ones who filled up the bookstore to standing-room only. I’m thankful to my loved ones who went up to my mother and said hello. I’m thankful to J, E, and E who are always showing up for me and who showed up in the front row. To the strangers who came and listened and got books signed and asked questions. To my high school/childhood friends who surprised me and sat with me afterwards as we laughed til we cried in the beer garden, especially S who came in from out of town and G who texted me afterwards why can’t something I’ve always known be the best there is with a throwback photo of us as kids. To A who bought me cigarettes at the afterparty when he saw I was really not okay. To J who surprised me with tickets to our favorite poet reading; to S who hugged me and calmed me down and talked to my mother and took so many pictures I still haven’t gone through them all; to M, P, S, and D who brought me the most beautiful bouquet, and especially P for coming to town for the event; and Y for the beautiful mermaid mug; and A for letting me have a meltdown through voice notes over my outfit, and to everyone who came and listened, truly, because I can’t keep track of all the thank yous I’m supposed to give, I just know that I feel really loved and lucky and I’m sitting here on the couch needing to go to bed because it’s late on a Sunday but instead I’m just typing away wondering how this stupid life of mine came to be.
Thanks, friends. For everything. I’m happy to be alive and I hope you are too. I’ll see you next week.
